When Loving Hurts...

"Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes, but it's the only thing that I know. When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes. It is the only thing that makes us feel alive." The greatest commandment, love the Lord your God and secondly, love one another. Loving others is the greatest act of humility that we can show to another. Loving others can hurt though. Loving hurts because we are human and those we love are human. We will be let down and we will let others down and when we do, it hurts. 

Being a foster parent has become the most rewarding experience in my life. It has also become the most difficult. The training can’t possibly prepare you for the gravity of the joys and pains you will experience as a foster parent. The joys of loving a child in desperate need of love. The joys of having those around you support you in your ministry to these children. The pain of watching a child hurt, doing all you can, but it is still not enough. The pain of experiencing a broken system that doesn’t always work they way we want or hope for. Being surrounded by those who love you in those difficult times but at the same time there still exists a barrier between those who love you for what you are doing and truly understand the pains and joys of being a foster parent.

Loving hurts and sometimes it hurts bad. I have shared these truths about who God is with my students in Youth Ministry. God is good. God’s ways are good. God is working all things for good.  Never in my life have I struggled so much to understand and believe this more than the past few weeks. When we struggle, these truths take on new meaning. When we struggle, our hope in who God is can become difficult to understand.

The beginning of Isaiah 43 says, when you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord, Your God. Life will be difficult. It is not a matter of if, but when. I found myself holding onto hope that God is good. But in the moment, I found it difficult to believe and accept. I felt like a “weak Christian”. I felt I should be stronger; everything I preached and proclaimed to others, must hold true to me in my struggles. But it didn’t feel that way. There were those around me who were angry for me. I was angry but that anger was not greater than the hopelessness and pain that I felt.

Through the most difficult fire and flood that I have ever walked through, there was goodness and there was hope. When we are faithful, God gives us just enough to keep going. My hopes for the situation did not turn out the way I wanted and prayed so hard for. There is still so much I don’t understand while at the same time, so much to be thankful for. People can let us down. Institutions can let us down. Those that love and care for us the most can let us down. When we strip away the layers, what is left? When the earthly expressions of love fade away or don’t seem enough, what is left? The hope that “in the depths of our soul, in the flood or fire.” The hope that says
“You’re with me and You wont let go”.

Now, on the other side of this difficult situation, I wish I could say that my prayers were answered, but I can’t. I wish I could say that coming through this situation, I am now a fully stronger, more resilient person, but I can’t. What I can say and what I do know is that time heals and perspective heals. When we go through the fire and flood and emerge from the other side we can take a step back and begin to see how God’s goodness and faithfulness holds true. “For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known.” Time and perspective allows us to see glimpses of God’s goodness through the most difficult of situations.  

I now know that in my weakness, God can do the most work through me. I consider myself a stubborn and independent person. But in my weakness, it is the strength that only God can provide that will sustain me. It is that weakness that brings us to our knees. For every tear I shed during this difficult time, I left it at the foot of the cross. When we fall to our knees, the cross stands before us, stronger than ever.

The work is unfinished. There is still grief, but with time and perspective, the healing will continue. Loving hurts sometimes but what is life without love? What is life without embracing the love from others and showing that same love twofold. This is the greatest gift that we have all been given. For me, as difficult as it is, I turn to a new chapter. One that has already begun with another opportunity to show love. One that will inevitably be filled with ups and downs, mountaintop experiences and days of trudging through the valleys. “God, give us hills to climb and strength to climb them. Praise be to a God that never gives up hope even when we do. Praise be to a God that is faithful even when we are not. Praise be to a God who’s hope is found at the foot of the cross.

“I have this hope. In the depths of my soul. In the flood or the fire, You’re with me and You won’t let go.”